Games of War
by kakashidiot
Summary: What? What's happening? Kakashi leads a team against who? A Puzzle. What are they playing at?RandR. Lang. Viol. HeterHomo.


**I don't own naruto…. Sigh….**

**Well... this story was birthed attime when I was writing 2 essays, preparing for 1 exam and alot of stuff... so beware... this is totally... cracked... yeah... but man, it was so fun writing it!**

REVIEW PLEASE!

Warning: Man/man love. Swearing. Sexual scenarios. Violence.

Viewer discretion is advised!

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Games of War

**At the blackest time of night:**

"I don't think this will work."

"Shut up."

"Really. This isn't –"

"Oh, for kami's sake, can't you keep your voice down, Iruka-sensei?"

"What?"

"Keep. Your. Voice. Down."

"Oh. _whispers_ Sorreee."

"Better."

"Okay, guys, here's the deal. Kakashi's kage bunshin, will transform into a fake one. Which we'll hang on a tree."

Everyone nods.

"And then, we'll put the real one under the monument using Raidou's Escape earth technique…"

"Umm… coughcough… right… but… um… won't we have to, ah… keep an eye on our real one? coughhackcough…. Sorry. I got a tickle."

"Hayate, you always have a tickle."

"What's new…"

"How does he complete his missions like that?" whispered Izumo to his friend Kotetsu.

Both of the Chuunin examiners were awed to be put on Kakashi-sempai's team but with Kakashi came a lot of his crackpot friends.

Not that Kakashi-sempai was any different. Iruka-san had said that Kakashi-san was an inveterate reader of the Icha Icha series. But no sign of the flagrant pink book had shown up tonight.

There was silence.

Ruffling pages.

"O gods!" Iruka grunted under his breath, as he caught sight of Kakashi reading his book in the moonlight. "You're going to ruin your eyes…" He trailed off as he spotted Kakashi's tiny penlight. "WHAT THE HELL? Mpmfphfmlfphh!"

Suddenly, his mouth was covered by various hands.

"Shut the hell up, kid!" hissed Genma. "This is a stealth mission here!"

"Kakashi!"

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's –"

Izumo and Kotetsu gaped at the sight of their leader reading a small black book.

"What?" asked Kakashi. "It's only my book."

"But –"

"I thought it was pink," Kotetsu said.

Izumo frowned. Kotetsu was always too forward, he thought.

It got him into trouble.

He pinched Kotetsu.

On the bum.

It made him feel hot.

But Kakashi didn't take offense – in fact, he looked proud.

"I'm a ninja. All of a shinobi's tools must be camouflaged. So I bought a black cover for it."

Iruka blinked, Izumo and Kotetsu tried to stifle their laughter while Genma, Raidou and Hayate rolled their eyes.

"Right, then," Kakashi drawled. "Let's get to our positions."

* * *

After leaving Iruka and Hayate at their respective posts, Kakashi and his two teammates crept up on the expectant enemy to have a look at the target.

He raised his hitae ate surreptitiously and grinned.

Nice. Very nice. A spatial genjutsu. Hmph.

**

* * *

Back at the cabin:**

Izumo and Kotetsu crawled away to their various positions around the tree.

Hayate was half a mile up head as the first sentry flanked by Iruka, who was watching over the 'jail area'.

"Hayate-san, should have stayed back here," grumbled Kotetsu to Izumo. "He coughs. And Iruka-san is a great guy… but he isn't a great fighter… How's he going to keep them from breaking away…"

"Hmmm… well…" Izumo said, slyly, inching his way down the bough of the tree to trap his friend to the junction of trunk and branch. "I don't know. I heard he does some really neat binding seals for small spaces… Besides, it's… kinda nice out here…"

He leaned in and found Kotetsu's chin in the dark. Butterfly kisses along the neck and then up to open, inviting lips, muffling the murmurs. Things would be fun. They were the protectors and nobody would be visiting them tonight.

Not if Kakashi-sempai did his job well.

Which he always does.

* * *

Meanwhile…

**At the sentry post:**

Coughcough

Silence.

Cough

Silence.

Hack, hack

"That you, Hayate?"

"Oh! What're you doing out here?"

"Just got back from a mission, love. What are you doing out here? Won't you catch cold?"

"Just doing sentry duty?"

"Out here? In the Genin training grounds?"

"Well… it's ummm…. complicated… but I'm supposed to be keeping out an eye for people crossing into our territory."

His girl friend blinked.

And she thought her ANBU mates were crazy….

"Then I'll keep you company."

Hayate's hands found their way up her shirt in no time.

* * *

Meanwhile….

**At the jail:**

Iruka was multi-tasking. A huge pile of homework lay stacked next to him.

Never let it be said that Iruka was all play!

"Shurkkin are the main weapons of the shinobi…"

Iruka marked down half a point. "**SHURIKEN!**" In big red letters… **SPELLING!**

"Chatra is the life energy a shinobi…."

_What the hell is wrong with this kid? He's worse than Naruto…. Geez… Maybe I've been giving them too many chakra excercises… Note to self: Do some more math and spelling bees…. Although that'd probably never help him in a hundred years…._

**

* * *

On the front lines:**

"Okay…. So what do you think?" asked Genma.

Raido, Kakashi and Genma had scoped out the area and had withdrawn to a largish tree.

"It's genjutsu."

"You sure?"

A pause.

"Why am I asking that?"

"Good question…"

"Guys…" Raido glared at Genma.

"Maybe you should take a gander at it with your Sharingan, Kakashi."

"I already DID! What do you take me for?"

A silence.

"Is that a rhetoric question…"

Kakashi: "…………….."

Raidou sighed.

"Let's move it."

"No, no, no. We've got to think this through."

"But we thought this through an hour ago. It'll be like stealing candy from a baby!"

"Yeah, yeah… So anyway, my thoughts on this are – frontal attacks by Genma and Raido and I'll sneak up behind."

"Hmmm…. I'll do the weaponry throwing… I'm better at it."

Raidou rolled his eyes, "Whatever… I'll take the bang part of it…"

"Good luck," Kakashi whispered and slid away.

**

* * *

At the cabin:**

"Izumo – arggggg…."

"Mmmmm…."

"Faster!"

"Arnggnnn…"

**

* * *

At the sentry post:**

"Hayate…. Oh! Hayate!"

"Like it? cough"

A looonnnngggg smooch.

"Here… let me…"

"Oh! Touch me again!"

**

* * *

At the jail:**

_Wrong. Wrong. Right. Right. Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong._

_Done. Next up:_

_The Importance of Sensing an Enemy's Approach despite Bad Weather Conditions_

_I really need to tell Hanabi to cut down her essay titles. They're getting ridiculous. _

**

* * *

At the front lines:**

The enemy consisted of two men wearing sunglasses.

_Why the hell are they wearing sunglasses? It's fricking one o'clock in the morning. _

Genma shrugged.

_Oh, well. Their problem. Just makes everything easier for me._

Several kage bunshins appeared out of nowhere.

Genma dispatched them with a surprising aerial senbon attack.

"Take that, bastards!"

Raido followed it up with a really nice bomb.

It took out the trees surrounding it and the genjutsu, for some reason or the other, started to waver.

Raido and Genma could hear a young woman's voice saying, "FUUUCCCKKK!"

But they paid her no heed. After all, Kakashi was no doubt taking care of her. Their enemies were subdued instantly with ropes and knocks to the head.

Kakashi suddenly appeared dragging a kunoichi with crazy long sleeves.

Draped around his shoulders was the prize.

"See… what'd I say," Genma said. "Easy as stealing candy from a baby."

"Unless they've been successful getting it from us."

"Shut up, Raidou… I'm sure Izumo and Kotetsu can handle it…"

"Hmmm…. Yes and no. They'd know some weak points since their attackers are well known to them – but the same could be said for their attackers…." Kakashi shrugged. "At any rate, let's get these to the jail and get THIS," he waved the bit of cloth. "To our HQ. Then our victory will be complete."

"Hmmm…. Don't count your chickens until they hatch," Raidou said gloomly. "There're four Jounin out there."

**

* * *

At the love cabin:**

"Umm…. Kotetsu…"

"You like it? You like it?"

"Arnggg… yeah breathless but, uh…….. there's something I want to mention… panting Oh yeah… right there…."

Kotetsu stared up at his bare-assed friend in confusion. Normally Izumo was mindless by this time. After all, Kotetsu knew how to do his job very well.

"What?"

Izumo jerked his chin infinitesimally and snatched the thing they were to protect, shoving it up his shirt while trying to pull up his pants.

Kotetsu froze as the enemy above them – a shinobi and a kunoichi – started to laugh.

**

* * *

On sentry duty:**

"Hey! Go get yourself a room, love-birds!"

cough "Shit." coughcough

Hayate's girlfriend gave the two onlookers the third finger.

"Wanna take it out back?"

"We ARE out back…. Geez…."

Hayate without warning, tackled the slight kunoichi enemy, bringing her to the ground in a fight of coughing.

"UGH! I surrender!"

"WHAT?" yelled the kunoichi's partner. "You can't just do that!"

"I'm going to die! He's coughed his germs all over me!"

"You've gotta fight – never give – ooof!"

A cigarette went flying into the black of night as the taller shinobi went down under the sudden weight of Hayate's girlfriend.

"HEY! You're not part of this! Stay out!"

"Nobody's beating on my boyfriend! You're going down!"

"Noooooooo! Where's my cigarette?"

"Stop being such a baby!"

"Oh, yeah – like you should talk Mrs. I've-been-coughed-on-I'm-going-to-die!"

**

* * *

At the jail:**

_- sigh -_

Almost done… Just one more stack to go and then I'm –

"BOO!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Geez, Iruka-sensei, that's pretty horrible. I hope Izumo and Kotetsu are more on top of things than you are."

_- they had been on top of things but were now on the run, little did Kakashi know….-_

"BAKA! You nearly gave me a heart attack!"

"HEY! HEY! Quiet down! We haven't reached out HQ yet! Silence above all!"

"Geez, Iruka, I'm beginning to doubt that any of your kids will ever be able to hear again by the time they leave your class…"

"GEEEENNNMMMAAAA!"

"Maa, maaa…. We've got more important things to do. Iruka, we're leaving these in your charge…."

Three squirming bundles vocalizing epithets were placed beside Iruka.

Iruka glared at Kakashi and his two mates but smirked at the sight of their trophy.

"Fine. Get on with it then, with the pace we're going at, we'll never get this done before morning – another all-nighter is NOT what I need."

"It's not my fault if you didn't want to take the day off," Kakashi said. Genma and Raido smiled at the lovers quarrel.

"I was the one who suggested a day off for various activities."

In the dark, only Iruka knew where Kakashi's hand was wandering.

He tried to slap it soundlessly away but only ended up getting necked.

Genma and Raidou snickered.

"KAKAASSHIIII!"

"Iruka – is that you?"

"No cough doubt about it…"

"Hayate-san!"

"Ahhh! hack We've stopped two people on our border…. Ummm…. Here they are…. But I have a feeling Kotetsu and Izumo might need back up…."

"Oooohhhh?" asked Kakashi.

"Yeah, if you count everybody up, there're two Jounin still to be accounted for…"

"Hmmm… and the most troublesome ones…." Raidou sighed.

"Funny…" Genma said, getting a quick grope on Raidou before moving on. "It happens to be those four squaring off… they've got a history…."

**

* * *

Somewhere in the night:**

"We are sooo fucked!" Kotetsu panted as he pushed himself as fast as he could go.

"Say that again!" Izumo agreed.

"We are sooo fucked!"

"That was a rhetorical statement, idiot…" Izumo rolled his eyes.

"It's the panic. I'm not thinking properly."

"Mmmm…. Let's get to the jail…."

"No… it's too near to the border…."

"Well… let's go in between the HQ and the jail, maybe Kakashi will notice us…"

Kotetsu just ran harder.

"I can practically feel them breathing down our neck!"

They passed by the jail.

Iruka was still there. Reading aloud an essay by Hyuuga Hanabi on enemy concealment.

His victim's curses were very colourful indeed. Nobody would want to hear about Hanabi's ideas on concealment.

The brown-haired Chuunin, although his mind was on other things – _why didn't I take the day off? I'm going to be scarred from this evening, this is sooo stupid…. Why does Hanabi have to be so – so boring! And perfect. I bet her dad wrote this…. Hmmm._ – catching sight of his team mates being chased by a half-naked woman in fishnets and a scarred monster of a man in a familiar billowing black great coat, yelled at them with encouraging words.

Mr. Great Coat caught up to Kotetsu and brought him to the ground with an extremely bizarre (and necessarily painful) fire capture jutsu, followed by a kick to the groin.

Behind his night vision goggles, Iruka winced as Kotetsu, swearing, curled up in a ball, wailing about his damaged balls.

A blessed silence.

Iruka's jailbird charges sighed with relief.

A reprieve!

"It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye," sighed Iruka.

* * *

Izumo, little did Iruka know, agreed whole-heartedly with the Academy Teacher.

No doubt due to his position.

Being chased across a field of holes.

Being chased across a field of holes in the dark, very, very late at night.

Being chased across a field of holes in the dark, very, very late at night by a wild woman who fought with snakes.

Being chased across a field of holes in the dark, very, very late at night by a wild woman who fought with snakes for no good reason – he was carrying a fake.

_It is haiku-worthy._

That was his last thought before his face hit the dust while his subconscious wondered, '_where the hell is Kakashi_?'

**

* * *

Back at the HQ:**

"Raise ours."

"What?"

"No, no, cough raise theirs – so they know we got it…"

"Ummmm…. Why not both…"

"You think that's a good idea?"

"Just hurry up and get the damn thing up there," Raidou sighed.

Both flags rose.

There was a moment of respectful silence.

**

* * *

On the field:**

"What the hell…"

"It was a bunshin?"

Somebody kicked Izumo.

"You guys -!"

"Meeep!"

"It wasn't my idea…" grumbled Kotetsu.

"It was Kakashi's!" Izumo pointed away back to their HQ.

"I'm sure it was…" said their shinobi captor. "After all, I can't imagine you, Kotetsu-kun, thinking up something devious as all that."

Kotetsu contented himself with glaring at his tormentor – even though neither could see each other really well.

"I say we strip 'em… just to be sure…"

"No. No! I swear – we don't have them!"

"Seriously!"

**

* * *

At the jail:**

"What's happening, Iruka-sensei?"

"heeheehee… They're stripping them… heeheehee…"

"What a closet pervert!" whispered one of the men with sunglasses. "I wonder if the Hokage knows about – gaaaa!"

His voice rose to a girl-shriek as Iruka accidentally trod on his gonads.

**

* * *

Ye olde HQ:**

"Did you hear that?"

"I think that was Izumo…"

"I hope they'll be alright…"

"Naw, I'm not to worried, we just signaled to everybody that we won…"

A pause.

"Kakashi…"

"Yeah."

"Um. Well… this brings to mind the first question I had at the start of this game…"

"You had a question?"

"Raidou always has questions."

"coughsneezeassholecoughcough"

A thoughtful silence.

Raidou sulked.

Genma groped him.

Kakashi decided he was going to go back to the jail and seduce Iruka into playing hooky.

"I know this might be really obvious to you… but… um… it's dark out…."

"Yeah… and your point is…"

"It's dark out."

"You said that already."

"Nobody can see the flags. From far away, especially."

Another silence.

Very embarrassed.

"Ummm… coughcough the… umm… I mean – Raidou has a point… hack"

"A fire jutsu will do it…"

**

* * *

On the field:**

Fire lit up the night, illuminating two flags on Team Kakashi's flagpole.

"Damn."

"Fuck. They've got our flag."

Lying on the ground, stark naked, Izumo felt light-headed and super calm – like the time he had gotten high on Kotetsu's pot smoke.

"It seems to be on fire," he noted detached.

"Overzealous fire jutsu…"

**

* * *

At the jail:**

"YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY! WE CAN GO HOME! It's two-thirty! I'll be able to snatch 4 hours of sleep!"

"He doesn't even care about them winning," growled Asuma.

"Really tragic," Kurenai sighed.

"Makes it seem worse that we lost," agreed Shizune.

Ebisu was still voiceless and Aoba woke up.

**

* * *

United:**

"So."

"So."

"So."

"Soooo."

"Let's get back to bed and have a nice long sleep followed by a nice long fuck and then we can have a nice long day off together."

Kakashi hands found their way to Iruka's ass.

"No."

"What?"

"I said, no."

"Why not?" (_a definite whine_)

"That's obvious."

"No it isn't."

"Ummm…. Hello? School! That ring a bell?"

"School can go to hell."

"Not my school."

"C'mon. You're bushed and you know it."

"Not if I get my four hours…"

"But you won't if you are – ugh!"

Iruka had punched him playfully in the stomach.

Okay, maybe not so playfully.

"Nothing doing. And don't mention that stuff around here – you know how I don't like that!"

"See… what did I tell you?" Ebisu whispered to Aoba, Kotetsu and Izumo. "Kakashi-sama has made Iruka-san into a closet pervert!"

Ibiki and Anko were eyeing their Chuunin underlings with a mixed sort of pride, resignation and annoyance.

Izumo and Kotetsu pissed them off all the time.

But they had their upsides.

Their relationship was stable and kept them together most of the time.

So they were healthy shinobi in most ways.

Their obedience to orders was absolute most of the time.

So they were willing to do stupid things like guarding fake flags.

Their endurance and inventiveness was solid most of the time.

So they could withstand most attacks – even Ibiki's mental ones.

As Ibiki and Anko turned away, they bit out their orders for the Chuunins later on the day, but inside, they were happy with the two young men's progress.

Aoba and Shizune just shared a glance and crept away.

Like Naruto, they agreed on one thing. "The world is full of mysteries."

Asuma and Kurenai also slipped away fairly quickly. They had taken the day off and like Genma and Raido wanted to spend the day having quality time together.

Genma and Raidou stayed behind to watch as Iruka resisted the temptation of a day with Kakashi.

"What about your Team?"  
"What about them?"

"Aren't they expecting you today?"

"Hmmm…. No….. I hope not…."

Iruka deflated.

"Just – you know – I'll go out with you tonight… but right now, I need rest."

"You could rest. And then rest some more… all day…"

Kakashi's arm crept around Iruka's slumped shoulder comfortingly and he settled down beside Iruka on the rock on the exam papers to be exact and tried to wile his way into Iruka's good graces.

Iruka turned at his friend's intimate touch and glared at the silver-haired Jounin. His gaze intensified as he realized that the Jounin's hand was blatantly groping him up front and his dusty (albeit sexy, hot, buns of steel, squeezable) ass was on his papers.

Konoha woke up that morning very early to a scream of:

"KAAAAAKKKKKKAAAAAAAAASSSSSHHHHHHH!"

It promptly turned over and went back to sleep.

Except for Tsunade.

**

* * *

At the real headquarters, Tsunade's office:**

"Although it's nice to see you all socializing and relaxing, I would ask you to keep it down for the next time around. I've been having calls coming in and complaints from townsfolk concerning some really loud noises…. Somebody was apparently screaming/yelling/shouting Kakashi's name….."

_Iruka blushes and glares at Kakashi._

"Then there was a complaint from the memorial caretakers who said their flags and the flagpoles have been burnt/melted due to some extreme fire jutsu…."

_Everybody glares at Kakashi, Kakashi turns another page in his Icha Icha Paradise._

"We found clothing lying around…. So people should be more careful with their belongings…."

_Kotetsu and Izumo flush red._

"And somebody said, they looked out of their window and saw a half-naked woman running around with a man in a great coat. And two people making out in the field."

_Everybody snickers, Anko sniffs. Hayate coughs. Ibiki looks tortured._

"What is even worse, is that although this type of behaviour is understandable among the Jounin class…"

_read: you guys are all mentally screwed up, you're justified_

"……. It is not among those in the Chuunin class…. You are creating bad behavioural habits among the Chuunins…. I hope you won't make the same mistake with Shikamaru and his group…"

_Everybody had the grace to look guilty, especially Ebisu and Iruka._

"So in other words, I have decided that from now on, Jounins, Chuunins and Genins – or any other shinobi – unless with permission, will not be able to play – what is this called?... um…. 'Capture the flag'."

_A historical moment passes on._

"Dismissed!"

So... um... read and review please!


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